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To be a successful father, there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.” – Ernest Hemingway

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children.” – Clarence Darrow

Me and my dad used to play tag. He'd drive. – Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. – Rodney Dangerfield

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards. – Robert Orben

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. – Jon Stewart



Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business. – Jimmy Fallon

Four-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions.
Four-year-old: Why?” – James Breakwell

Even though I'm proud by dad invented the rear-view mirror, we're not as close as we appear.” – Stewart Francis

Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” – John Kinnear

You can tell what was the best year of your dad’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld

I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” – Rita Rudner

My daughter got me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. So we know she’s sarcastic. – Bob Odenkirk

When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Atell

My dad, like any coach, has always stressed the fundamentals. He taught me responsibility, accountability, and the importance of hard work.” —Steve Young

The only Father's Day tradition in my family is the annual conversation he and I have where I say, 'Hey, Dad, what do you want for Father's Day this year?' and he says, 'Nothing.' Then I ask my mom what I should get him and she says, 'He likes sandalwood soap, dangly jewelry and Chanel No 5 perfume.’” – Michael Showalter



When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” – Mark Twain

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, ‘He wants his mother. – Erma Bombeck

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected – Red Buttons

What makes Will the best father in the world to me is that he’s there, not just there in a way that’s traditional. The emotional support he offers his children is immeasurable —Jada Pinkett Smith
Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad. —Anne Geddes

Years ago we used to play / He used to laugh when I ran away / But when I fell and hurt my knee / He would run to comfort me / And the pain would go away —The Monkees

When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.

Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business. Me and my dad used to play tag. He'd drive.

My father would lift me high / And dance with my mother and me and then / Spin me around til I fell asleep / Then up the stairs he would carry me / And I knew for sure I was loved. —Luther Vandross

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.

My daughter got me a World’s Best Dad mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.

There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep. —Jim Gaffigan

Even though I'm proud by dad invented the rear-view mirror, we're not as close as we appear.

You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

I just sit there and make up songs and sing to [my son] in gibberish. I’m very good at gibberish now. —Elton John


Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you’re 12, but every day. —Mike Myers

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. – Jack Handey

There should be a children’s song 'If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.' – Jim Gaffigan

He has always provided me a safe place to land and a hard place from which to launch.—Chelsea Clinton

Four-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions.
Four-year-old: Why

Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.

I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day. If it was socially acceptable I’d be the first one to have my kid in a full helmet and like a cage across his face mask. —Will Arnett

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children. 

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up. – Ray Romano

I found out that I’m a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don’t know what I’m doing. But my kids love me. Go figure. —Louis C.K.

The only way I can describe [fatherhood]—it sounds stupid, but—at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, you know how his heart grows like five times? Everything is full; It’s just full all the time. —Matt Damon

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